Hiatus Ends, Work Begins

See, I don't really need this blog any more. Just sayin', yo, that I got a job about two weeks ago where I get paid to do this shit...except I don't get to write about my fun experiences (Scott's Vegas birthday will be coming soon) or write reviews about current pop culture (Green Day and Eminem, just release your records now)...no, instead, I get to blog about car accidents.

Let's back up to December, when I was fully employed.

I sort of knew my impending doom at the Playhouse was about to come crashing down on me, so I hunted for a job on a website that shall not be named. I saw an ad for SEO content writing for some lawyer's website. I sent in my stuff, they gave me a test, and I guess I didn't pass because I never heard back from the guy -- it was M.A.P. himself who gave me the test, but more on him later.

Then, the firing. You know how that went.

For the next few months, day after day, I'd hunt for a job and occasionally the ad I applied to for the SEO content writing -- the did not change it up -- would show up and I would respond to it with the same materials I always did, which were not changed up except for the date.

But around mid-April, Scottie Rockstar came to visit me and Sara before the big birthday bash in Vegas (sorry, I mean "Marriage to Mary-Kate Olsen") and I got a call from the Law Offices of M.A.P. saying they had reviewed my materials and wanted to give me a writing test again. This was the fifth time I had applied and the second time I was testing.

I went into the whole thing with a "fuck you" attitude, because I assumed I wouldn't get the job. Adding much humor and snarkiness to my copy, I sent it back and waited for my unemployment check. But lo and behold, they wanted me to come in for an interview.

Dressing up in a suit and tie is usually pleasurable, but not when you go in for an interview in a stuffy office with only three windows. I talked with the editor of the blog, Kevin, and the other blogger, Adio, and they were really cool guys. Then came time for Mister Personal Injury Lawyer Himself, M.A.P., to come strolling in an offer a slice of advice. Several, in fact:

"Dreams don't end just because you work here."

"I think that you are an accomplished young man -- in fact, I know it."

"You want this job, then it is yours. But sleep on it."

Sleep on it? Basically M.A.P. told me to contact Kevin tomorrow if I wanted the job, after I had taken some time to think about it. What the hell...? After M.A.P. left, Kevin and Adio took me out in the hall and also, very strongly, said that I should think about this job...and if I really...really...really want it.

Now I know they were kind of saying, "RUN!"

Because what I have learned in the past ten days of my employment at The Law Offices of M.A.P. is that M.A.P. is an S.O.B. who is C.R.A.Z.Y (no acronym, just for fun). The copy I write is boring and there are ten a day, but I can handle it. What I can't handle is a guy who contradicts himself every other minute, makes a series of inappropriate sexual remarks to his employees, wants results on tasks that he gives no explanation for, and get grump when he actually must do lawyer work. And this is key: on my third day he told me, in as many words, to shut up and do my work. I later learned that on Mondays, M.A.P. prefers to read the paper front to back with the door closed. But that day, he had to work a case. And the blog? Well, he's more obsessed with getting the number one spot on Google than helping people in car accidents.

And this is where I work. Sitting in a closet, next to three computer servers, and a smelly refrigerator. I must write my ten copies a day (and M.A.P. knows everything because he keeps constant surveillance over all computer activity, which he reviews at the end of the day), say "hi" and "bye" to him at the end of the day, and make sure that all the keywords are there.